Steins;Gate Sucks Big Fat Bananas (So Far)

As an OG anime aficionado I’m always looking for quality content that can offer something beyond the same tired old tropes that we’ve all seen a million times. You know what I’m talking about: a young social outcast inherits some unknown, dangerous power that he must learn to control as he battles shadowy organizations, rival prodigies, and the prejudices of those around him blablabla…. We all know the deal.

Over the years I’ve heard people mention Steins;Gate as being one such anime, often placing it at the top of “best of all time” lists alongside classics like Cowboy Beebop and FMA. It had always been on my radar, but I somehow never got around to watching it. So I booted up the first couple of episodes earlier this week to see what all the fuss was about, and holy shit you guys, I could barely make it through the first two episodes. Now let me tell you, I’ve watched a lot of anime in my time and I’m a staunch believer in what one might call: the tolerance of low expectations. Yet, somehow, Steins;Gate managed to push me past my breaking point.

First, let’s talk about the protagonist: Okarin. As the anchor of the series, you’d think he’d at least get a shred of proper exposition. Who is he exactly? Is he a researcher of some kind? What is the nature of his research? What is his goal? The show barely gives us any details. beyond the fact that he has access to a university lab. What we do find out very quickly is that he is a tiresome, gesticulating buffoon. His particular brand of comedic mad-scientist exuberance is immediately grating and feels totally out of place in the world he inhabits. The archetype of the lovable imbecile is a terrible choice for a sci-fi thriller. Okarin’s goofiness constantly clashes with the suspenseful, ominous atmosphere the show is trying to establish, dispelling any attempts to build dramatic tension from one scene to the next.

Same thing with his two sidekicks, Mayuri and Super Hacker. We know nothing about them. No backstory, no grounding, just a general sense of their respective personalities. What brought this unlikely trio together? What is the goal of their so-called “Future-Gadget” organization? This info is foundational to the story and yet is nowhere to be found. We’re 45 minutes into the show and none of the characters feel tethered to anything real.

Now compare this to  the first few minutes of Cowboy Beebop. Four minutes into the motherfucker, (including the opening credits!) and you already know everything you need to know. Who Spike is. Who Jet is. What they do for a living and their general approach to that work. The dynamics between the two of them, their place in the world, everything. It’s one of the greatest exposition scenes in all of anime. The amount of info it seamlessly crams into your brain is simply spectacular. It sets the stage, quickly and efficiently, then propels you into its vast and immersive world without wasting a single second.

FMA does the same thing, albeit less elegantly. Within four minutes, we understand who the Elric brothers are, their place in the world and what their jobs are, as well as the foundational principles of alchemy. Four minutes, that’s all it takes goddamn it!

So what do we actually know about Steins;Gate and its protagonist after two full episodes? That Okarin is obsessed with quantum mechanics and time travel. That some internet rando named John Titor once laid out a theory about world lines and that, somehow, our buffoonish lead has started hopping between them. None of this is explained outright, of course, as we’re left piecing it together from the crumbs of half-baked exposition scattered around like loose change. We know nothing about the mysterious figure named Kurisu either, except that she may be the nexus of whatever actual plot is supposed to kick in. The show’s writer, Jukki Hanada, seems in no hurry to fill in the blanks, dragging things out so much that episodes one and two literally end the same way: Kurisu Makise making a dramatic entrance, hinting that time-travelling fuckery is afoot. Get your bananas out people! Shit’s about to get quantic!

So yeah, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to latch onto, at this point. Steins;Gate seemingly gets everything wrong from the outset. The characters are ass, the exposition is awkward and drawn out, the stakes are non-existent and the tone is inconsistent. All of it just reeks of amateurish screenwriting. I am supposed to trust the creators of the show to entertain me for 26 episodes when they’ve made such glaring mistakes with the first two? My guess is that no, I can’t. Or maybe I’m wrong, and Steins;Gate does indeed eventually earn its reputation as one of the best sci-fi animes out there. I’ll give this show another chance and push through the next couple of episodes, in case I am indeed too quick to judge. I just had to get this out in the meantime because, quite frankly,  sitting through those first two episodes felt less like watching a classic in the making and more like volunteering for a slow, self-inflicted lobotomy.