Hogwarts Student Dissatisfied With Lazy Cat Patronus: ‘All He Does Is Lick His Balls’

Barnabus Wickenstock is struggling to understand exactly how it all went wrong. “I was really excited at first” he said, referring to the first time he successfully cast the Patronus charm. His excitement has quickly gave way to concern, however, after noticing his charm’s less-than-energetic tendencies. ” He’s so lazy. He just sits there and cleans himself. That’s all he does.”

Things came to a head last week when Professor Fizzledick asked Barnabus to square off against a dementor during his Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

Fellow students describe what followed as a harrowing soul-sucking session straight out of Azkaban. “For some reason Professor Fizzledick didn’t step in” said one concerned student, who asked to remain anonymous. “Barnabus got sucked real good”.

“My Patronus didn’t lift a paw,” Barnabus explained. “He just sat there and watched me take it”.

He now estimates that he’s lost at least half of his happy childhood memories. “I even forgot how to swim. I used love to swim…I think”. His frustration is only amplified by the fact that some of his classmates’ patronuses have been over-performing in similar situations. “Morgana’s Patronus is a rhino. That thing wrecks dementors! She can even ride it to class.”

In light of these events, Barnabus now plans to change his concentration from Defense Against the Dark Arts to Divination. “I just can’t afford to be caught off-guard, y’know? I need to know what’s coming” he said, glaring at his Patronus who had just settled in for a nap.