News - Bardswire

Genderfluid, Bi-Curious Bella Ramsey Comes Out as Perfectly Adequate Actress

Actress Bella Ramsey officially came out Sunday as a capable and perfectly adequate actress, following the season 2 premiere of HBO’s The Last of Us.

Ben Gabriel June 11, 2025News

Games IRL

Desperate Ubisoft In Talks With Asmongold To Be Face of Upcoming Assassin’s Creed: Masai Mara

Sources within Ubisoft reported on Monday that the company has reached out to popular streamer Asmongold to serve as the face of the next Assassin’s Creed installment.

Ben Gabriel June 11, 2025News

IRL

Basic White Girl Unsure Why Billionaire Vampire Neurosurgeon Isn’t Immediately Attracted To Her

Basic white girl Emily Anderson was reportedly seen moping around her favorite brunch spot in Los Angeles’ Silverlake neighborhood last Sunday, following a brief encounter with Antoine Lebeau, a world-renowned neurosurgeon, vampire, and direct descendant of the French House of Orléans.

Ben Gabriel June 11, 2025News

Games IRL

Virtuous Game Journo Reincarnated as Actual Journalist

In a turn of events straight out of an Isekai anime, Will Brouchard came back to life on Thursday after an unfortunate unicycle accident.

Ben Gabriel June 11, 2025News

Sci-Fi

Laid-Back Force User Not Vibing With Current Dichotomy

"I feel I need to ask this, but is there an option that doesn't require someone to live like celibate robocops or total freaking psychos?"

Ben Gabriel June 11, 2025News

Games IRL

Gaming Studio Replaces DEI Program with Young-Hee Doll

In what some describe a staggering over-correction, local area law firm Glassford & Sons terminated its diversity programs last week, and replaced them with the Young-Hee Doll from Netflix's hit show Squid Game.

Ben Gabriel June 11, 2025News

Games IRL

200 IQ Twitch Streamer Tired of Being Misunderestimated

Streamer Kyle Barrows, better known as BrainStormZ, says he hasn't received the recognition he deserves after reaching Platinum Rank in Hearthstone last week.

Ben Gabriel June 11, 2025News

Games

Warlock Successfully Casts Anal [Hellfire], Ruins Guild’s Night Out

Things took a dark and odorous turn earlier this week as local guild AxeToMouth gathered at the Stoutlager Inn to celebrate the acquisition of their newest member, Fondle, a holy priest who “heals pets” and can dispel diseases “without being asked six times”.

Ben Gabriel June 11, 2025News

Sci-Fi

‘Standards Are Slipping’ Say Former Students, As Jedi Academy Acceptance Rate Soars to 0.000000000002%

This year's incoming class at Coruscant's Jedi Academy will be the largest ever. 16 pupils were accepted this year, topping last year's count by two.

Ben Gabriel June 11, 2025News

Games IRL

Local Prostitute Unimpressed with Microtransactions, Will Keep Screwing People the Old-Fashioned Way

Local area prostitute Bertha knows a thing or two about servicing customers. After more than two decades of working the streets of Prague, she's become an incontrovertible figure of the city's Smichov neighborhood.

Ben Gabriel June 11, 2025News