News - Bardswire

Warlock Successfully Casts Anal [Hellfire], Ruins Guild’s Night Out

Things took a dark and odorous turn earlier this week as local guild AxeToMouth gathered at the Stoutlager Inn to celebrate the acquisition of their newest member, Fondle, a holy priest who “heals pets” and can dispel diseases “without being asked six times”.

Ben Gabriel June 11, 2025News

Sci-Fi

‘Standards Are Slipping’ Say Former Students, As Jedi Academy Acceptance Rate Soars to 0.000000000002%

This year's incoming class at Coruscant's Jedi Academy will be the largest ever. 16 pupils were accepted this year, topping last year's count by two.

Ben Gabriel June 11, 2025News

Games IRL

Local Prostitute Unimpressed with Microtransactions, Will Keep Screwing People the Old-Fashioned Way

Local area prostitute Bertha knows a thing or two about servicing customers. After more than two decades of working the streets of Prague, she's become an incontrovertible figure of the city's Smichov neighborhood.

Ben Gabriel June 11, 2025News

Fantasy

Hogwarts Student Dissatisfied With Lazy Cat Patronus: ‘All He Does Is Lick His Balls’

Barnabus Wickenstock is struggling to understand exactly how it all went wrong. "I was really excited at first" he shared, referring to the first time he successfully cast the Patronus charm. But excitement has quickly gave way to concern as he says something is definitely off.

Ben Gabriel June 11, 2025News

Anime

Anime Protagonist Breaks Childhood Promise, Moves On With His Life

A love story 18 years in the making ended in tragedy Friday morning, as Yasuke turned his back on his long-time friend and perennial love interest Megumi. "I'm in a total state of schock", she said. "I thought we were gonna grow old together. He promised to always protect me and do whatever I asked".

Ben Gabriel December 27, 2024News